A Windfall In The Age Of Pandemic

Look what arrived today.

No, better than doughnuts. Even better than surprise doughnuts.

….

Those of you who read my earlier narrative will not be surprised at my new definition of windfall.

No, you may not have my address.

Yes, I know who my true friends are.

Today marks the dawn of my new career as a hoarder of toilet paper. Which was the last thing I wanted to be, of course. Once you decide never to do something, doing that something is all you can think about.

When the shortage began, I told myself, “I’m never going to panic and over-buy. That would be. Bad. For. The. Community.”

We see how well that lasted. Especially because I just realized there’s another pending order out there in the Amazon jungle, arriving sometime in the next two weeks, of another 48 rolls of some non-name brand ‘toilet tissue.’ And I would have to contact the third-party vendor to request to cancel the order, because it is already ‘preparing to ship’ (from Iceland, apparently, if it could take another two weeks, for a total of four weeks). And that seems way too much trouble; I don’t speak Icelandic.

As it was, this order of Quilted Northern treasure took about two weeks to arrive as it was, apparently straight from a Quilted Northern factory, judging by the box.

Was I worried? Why do you say that? Just because I kept checking the order status every few hours, wondering why it was just sitting there in Sparks, Nevada, damn it, why that’s just down I-80 I could drive there and pick it up what if someone holds up the UPS truck or what if someone hacked my Amazon account and has tipped off the porch pirates of Sacramento wait is that the doorbell?

No, I wasn’t worried at all. But 3 cushiony layers? Come on, tell me you wouldn’t be addicted. We need those creature comforts. Don’t judge me. The world’s heading towards a new circle of hell, specifically a white or colored circle as seen around a luminous body; the US is in the hands of a bumbling dictator who wants to be like Putin but is more like Dark Helmet; and Liverpool’s march to the Premier League title is now all up in the air.

But at least we’ve got our toilet paper. It’s the little things that count.