Everything You Need To Learn After Adulthood: Volume 347

There are certain underrated truths you’ll bump into on the road to middle-age competency. You’re welcome.

• Life is like a subway tunnel. It’s good to know where the maintenance access doors are in case you break down.
• If you have to think about it, you probably need it. Buy the extra toilet paper.
• When messing with something on your slow-draining washing machine called a “Drain Pump Filter,” you might want to have a towel or five handy. #LearnedTheHardWay #GrabAMopAndMultitask.
• You can call yourself an adult once you’ve cooked with white wine. Just remember not to use the good stuff.
• It’s worth taking the time to peel ALL of the onion skin before chopping.
• No matter how much Pyrex and Tupperware you buy, your lids will never fit your bowls. They randomly shrink and/or grow at night.
• Pushing the reset button on the GFCI outdoor power outlet is always worth trying before testing each bulb of a strand of Halloween lights that won’t turn on. #TheFirstRuleOfIT #TurnItOffAndOnAgain.
• Your local coffee shop recognizing your phone number and memorizing your order doesn’t mean you’re spending too much money on lattes. It means you’re doing your part to sustain the local economy. Well done, you.
• If you’re 110% certain you know everything there is to know about capitalization in sentence case, so certain that checking a style guide would be a waste of time, you’re probably wrong. Also, you’re bad at math. #APStylebook #ElementsOfStyle #AlwaysCheckYourWork.
• The Associated Press has rules for writing about Santa. Is it Santa, Santa Claus, or Claus for any reference after the first one? Better get it right, or editors will rappel through your skylight.
• When you’re trying to remember state capitals—possibly for Trivia Night at the pub—it’s never the obvious choice. For example, California’s is neither LA nor San Francisco, but Sacramento. Washington? Olympia. Oregon? Salem. Illinois? Springfield. Certain exceptions apply, such as Bismarck or Pierre, but the lesson? Civic planners wanted their elected officials so bored they might actually govern for want of anything better to do. But did it work?
• Did you know that it is “capital” when referencing the city, and “Capitol” when it’s the building?
• All absolute statements are stupid.
• Sometimes life is ironic. But not because it rains on your wedding day. There are no meteorological guidelines for a wedding day. If there were, how could anyone ever get married in the Pacific Northwest?
• When you live in California, and you’re counting on rain for a cozy afternoon, don’t.
• Answering a potential spam call lets them know you have an active number. So don’t bother. It’s not like you get to work off your frustrations on them with a flood of salty language.
• No, that isn’t your bank with the spelling errors in the text asking for your code to unlock your account. #CybersecurityAwarenessMonth.
• And no, that’s still not your bank/streaming service after they clean up their grammar with AI.
• The more someone complains about romantic comedies, the more they secretly adore them. And maybe they need them.
• “Video Killed The Radio Star” still has it. And Rob Delaney is the new TV Dad.
• Everyone talks about “The Catch.” But without Eric Wright’s by-the-collar lunging tackle on Drew Pearson, all might have been for naught. #ForTheFootballFans #DefenseMatters.
• Justin Timberlake is actually talented.
• No matter how principled they are, Americans will always conveniently forget about reservations and the implications of Manifest Destiny. #ChiefJoseph #StolenLands #OccupationIsBadGlobally #WishIHadAnswers #JustBeingSnarkyInstead.
• Everything you need to know about humanity you can learn at Big Hole Battlefield.
• Except for all the good stuff.
• Life tends to reject simple answers.
• Voters want simple answers.
• Palestine should be free. Hamas must be gone. These are different concepts. Just more complicated.
• Rinse and repeat with all the other mangled, heartbreaking, muddy, cruel traps we have woven for ourselves.
• To paraphrase Camus, “Since the world is shaped by death, might it not be better for God if we refuse to believe in them and struggle with all our might against death (and by extension, evil), without looking to a heaven where they sit in silence?”
• Heaven is empty.
• But somewhere my paternal grandmother is still sipping Brandy Alexanders in her pantry on a foggy night on the redwood coast, and my maternal grandmother is riding a horse across a Montana meadow full of Ponderosa pines.
• It turns out no one can tell you exactly how to adult.
• Be kind. It’s exhausting, but just be kind.
• Gather your loved ones to you with hoops of steel.
• Finally, Gary Oldman is phenomenal in Slow Horses.