The biggest complaint from people presented with a Life Membership is the lack of an instruction manual. IKEA tried to provide one in the early ‘90s, but their efforts led to frustration, twisted ankles, and misplaced dowels turning up in unfortunate locations (“You’re supposed to put what where?”).
Sure, you’ve got various religious texts, but those only tell you how to be nice to each other. Getting along with other people is certainly important, but what about the tough problems, you know? For example, how do you cook chicken breasts so they don’t get so dry that you have to order pizza instead?
I can’t claim to have all the answers, but I’ve witnessed life for 44 years now and have discovered some hacks that you might find useful for getting the most value for your entrance fee.
- Let yourself be pleasantly surprised. Life is richer with unexpected experiences. Never check your calendar, and forget when your partner tells you about weekend plans. Getting old also helps with this. It lets you re-read mystery novels time and time again.
- Text that old friend you’ve lost track of, just to say hello. When it turns out to be a wrong number, keep them talking. Build a rapport. Offer them a fabulous crypto-currency investment opportunity.
- Learn AI. You’ll save so much time creating resumes, cover letters, even important business documents that you should in no way fact-check or edit. Also, NaNoWriMo will be a breeze when you don’t have to do any of the writing yourself.
- Don’t let identity thieves wreck your children’s credit. Children have clean Social Security Numbers which are often targeted for exploitation. So beat the identity thieves to the punch and build up a bunch of debt under your kids’ names now so that things can only get better for them later. That’s called gentle parenting.
- Don’t let small obstacles get in your way. Just close your eyes, hit the accelerator, and jump that curb to crash through that cell phone store’s front door at 2 am.
- Learn from the mistakes of your family. Pick entirely different mistakes that are all your own.
- Master the Instant Pot. You’ll finally produce chicken breasts that retain flavor and aren’t dried out, letting you remind people for years how good that chicken was you made that one time. Be sure to Instagram your Instant Pot.
- Always wait before sending THAT email. Wait a day. Read it the next morning. You’ll be glad you did. Then send it anyway, because we all need a little drama and revenge in our lives.
- Touch a whale if you get the chance. Just don’t be a jerk about it. Whales have long memories. Look at what the orcas are doing to yachts.
- And yes, I know orcas are technically dolphins.
- Don’t make the orcas angry. This one requires no explanation and serves as a pretty good overarching principle with which to close.
Good luck out there. I believe in you.
Writing At 1 AM 