6 Insults to Lose an Argument With

So, Merriam-Webster recently ruled that a preposition is something we can end a sentence with.

I know, I know. It feels like stubbing your linguistic toe. It’s as jarring as Strunk and White recommending dozens of needless, redundant words in every paragraph. 

But this is Merriam-Webster, the Wendy’s of dictionaries on social media. Arguing with Merriam-Webster over language is like arguing with Beyonce over choreography, picking a fight with The Go-Gos over who has the beat,* or arm-wrestling a Wookiee.

In other words, we can’t win on this one.

So here’s to prepositional freedom. We can scatter prepositions with a careless hand, anywhere we want. We have the dictionary’s blessing. All that matters is successfully communicating our message to the intended audience. After all, language is an organic entity. It evolves.  

Of course, evolution doesn’t always make immediate sense. Consider the mosquito. At first glance, that seems an evolutionary dead-end, doesn’t it? It’s like God in her infinite wisdom threw in the mosquito to so thoroughly emphasize the random nature of evolution that it would undercut any notion of intelligent design. 

And yet mosquitos provide critical biomass in the food chain—serving as food for fish as larvae and for birds, bats and frogs as adult flies. So apparently, along with representing nature’s middle finger to the human race, they do communicate some value. But it would be nice if they weren’t so biting about it. 

Speaking of critical biomass, biting communications, and the evolution of language, let’s look at the current state of social media.

Ah, social media. The great digital marketplace of ideas, that vast dusty corral in cyberspace where, like Han Solo, we shoot first, typing out with blinding speed what we think are pithy arguments, devastation in 270 characters. We dream of ruling the roost in 21st-century salons, modern day Dorothy Parkers and Oscar Wildes with memes and Instagram Reels. 

We’re so ready to change lives with the truth that’s just so obvious to us.

But that epic, clinching argument … it sometimes seems to fizzle out like a mosquito that just buzzes around for a while without biting anyone before being swallowed by a swallow. We say something intended to reduce people to tears, but they just blink and reply, “Yes, and?” They may even say “Thank you.” 

Not exactly the reaction we were looking for.

It’s as if, to the target, we’re the muffled and incomprehensible adults in the Peanuts animated specials. 

Here’s the thing – to win an argument, to sway an opponent to join your camp, you and your opponent have to have a common frame of reference. And in the bubble of social media, that’s not always a guarantee.

So often we use bad arguments, usually thinly-veiled insults, based on the faulty assumption that we’re all playing by the same rules. And by rules, I mean values. But we can’t even get everyone to agree that’s a good thing to be nice to foreigners, or even neighbors who don’t look like us. 

The competing value systems behind some online discussions aren’t just incompatible, but absolutely incomprehensible to each other, so far askew it’s like a debate between a seahorse and a banana. 

Sometimes we’re not even trying to convince the other side of anything. We’re using coded language to virtue signal partisans on our side, under the guise of attacking the other. We’re just two hordes of seahorses and bananas yelling at each other across a great divide , long ago abandoning any appeal to reason (or an a-peel, in the case of the bananas). 

However, I’d like to think there are still people out there willing to engage in good faith dialogue, or at least willing to resort to creative, entertaining insults with some heft. 

So as an act of civic service, I’m going to identify 6 “insults” you should never deploy online unless you WANT to be immediately and utterly ignored. They will do nothing but backfire.

Woke

The ultimate insult in the eyes of some. An absolute snore in reality.

Look, I get it. It lends itself to clever sayings like “Go woke, go broke.” It’s a short, compact insult that signals your fellow members of the Klan that you’re with them. 

But you’re sleeping on the fact that the other side really doesn’t care if you call them woke. In fact, it’s a badge of honor. If you use ‘woke’ as an insult, you should know that all the other side hears is you acknowledging they have empathy, an appreciation of the lessons of history, and a preference for justice across all races and genders. 

So, you know, you’re not exactly delivering a burn requiring gallons of emotional aloe vera. 

MAGA

Calling someone MAGA seems easy enough. You know what you mean. You’re saying they’re  naive/cynical cult members, buying into the rhetoric of a corrupt mutant cheeseball just because he lets them feel it’s once again okay to be publicly racist. 

This may be true, of course, but to cult members, it’s like throwing bags of rubber bands at them. They love it. They buy ugly hats and shoes to acknowledge the fact. It’s a rallying cry. 

 Secretly, deep down know they’ve messed up, but they’re too invested to admit that now.

Communist

This went out of style in the 1950s. If you use this insult, all you’ve accomplished is telling the world that you haven’t read any fiction more contemporary than Chip Hilton sports novels. You’re probably planning on a breakout Vine career, and you likely peaked in high school.

Bonus points if you use this as an insult while touting Jesus as your personal lord and savior.

You’re probably perfectly willing to accept Social Security benefits when you retire, the irony of which is what makes your target laugh so hard when you use this as an insult.

Fascist

Historically and (probably) currently accurate. But more likely taken as a compliment rather than a critique, while at the same time triggering a knee-jerk hostility. They don’t think ‘Fascist’ is a bad thing, but they know they’re SUPPOSED to think it’s a bad thing, and that makes them mad. And given they are also stubborn enough to be part of the world’s most obviously scammy cult, they’ll carry on regardless. 

“Mussolini made the trains run on time,” they’ll say, before raising hell about government plans to build high-speed railway infrastructure.

Agent of the Deep State 

If you talk about the Deep State, you’re just way too desperate to seem in the know. You probably complained that Madden football video games were cheating you back in the days.**

Believe me, if there were Agents of a Deep State, they would have much better, more lucrative things to do than hang about Social Media dive bars. 

And granted, you probably think that the First Rule of Deep State is you do not talk about Deep State. But that’s Fight Club. That’s fiction. As is the Deep State. If there were a Deep State, why would they have given Trump four years? 

Racist/Sexist/Homophobic Twitwaffle

This one goes without saying, except the Twitwaffle part, which I threw in just to take the edge off. 

If you call someone any of these, the argument’s done. No one reacts well to these accusations. “You’re racist!” “By gad, sir, you’re right! I have wasted my life. I will make amends henceforth!” ***

But if the shoe fits, call it out anyway. “Hey, you’re wearing the shoes of a racist.” 

Because sometimes, you’re not going to win an argument, so all you can do is not let the evil guy win either.  Sometimes, there’s no argument to win, just a flat-out condemnation of abhorrent behavior. 

That’s more satisfying than winning an argument anyway.

*Answer: The Go-Gos do. The Go-Gos have the beat. 

**As opposed to those of us who complain when Pokemon Go lets some users have three shields in a battle. That’s outrageous, and merits the sacking of everyone involved, including the people who do the sacking.

***I realize I’ve made the racist, sexist, homophobe sound like a portly white man from the Victorian Age.